I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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