You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I am spending my child support on dildos
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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