It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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