Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
