There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
