i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
