Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
