i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
