moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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