Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
