i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
