god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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