So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
