Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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