Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize