Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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