wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
