I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
