When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
