i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Randomize
