Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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