A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
