I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
