I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
