"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
