I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
