I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
