There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
