it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I puked a lego.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
