He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
