The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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