You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? đđ
His name isnt in my phone as âSatanâs spawnâ for no reason. #devildick
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