Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
