Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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