I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
