2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
