I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
is that a dick in a sweater?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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