When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
