Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize