I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
