I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
