He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Vodka?
Forever.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
