What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize