I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
