I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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