All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize