Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
