I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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