I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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