you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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