She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize