It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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