My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I intend to get homeless drunk
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
