my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
