we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
