everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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