tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm really busy with my period
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize