It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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