the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
