Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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