I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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