I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
