I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
my shit smells like andre
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
