I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
